Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Who Are You Gin?

That's a pretty deep question, but instead of getting all Confucius with it, I'll answer simply. I am a mother. I am a writer. I am a woman who was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. After that I became a whiner, a mourner, a victim, a stereotype, a cynic, a hater. I lost my old life, my old hopes, my old dreams, my husband, my pride, my self esteem.

I gave up.

And then I was rescued by someone small of stature but big on wisdom. Only she doesn't exactly know it.

My four year old daughter came into my room one morning and crawled into bed with me. She sighed and asked me if I was hurting. Of course I was, but I smiled and tried to tell her that mama was okay. You can't lie to the young ones, they never buy it. Dramatically, she tossed herself down next to me and groaned. "Me too," she said.

Her too? UGH! I had officially hit rock bottom. Nothing else that had happened to me up until that point had made me feel more like a loser: Not losing my marriage, not losing my best friend, not even hating myself and the constant wallow sessions in self pity. This new developement brought with it a whole new set of symptoms. I'm not talking about pain, although there was plenty, or fatique. I'm talking about guilt and its many facets. Guilt about my daughter imitating my pain and making me synonymous with it. Guilt about the kind of role model I was for her. Guilt over the realization that I had become a painful blob of self pity making excuses for my behavior by hiding behind my symptoms.

Well, no more!

I got up that day and exercised. I felt it for the next week but I kept going. I popped 3 advil every four hours for months. (A very bad idea, but it was all I had available at the time. My stomach now suffers.) I started researching everything I could, good and bad, and I tried everything I could, from hokey holistic to scientific treatments.

Some things worked, others didn't.

If we ever know anything about Fibromyalgia its that we don't know anything about Fibromyalgia. There are no 100% cures. There are no 100% days. But there can be 98% days! I'm living proof of that. And while I'm feeling these 98% days I'm going to use them to find out why I have Fibromyalgia, what I can do to beat it, and what we can do to prove it exists and get the treatment we need.

I plan to find out all about Fibro. Is it a syndrom? A condition? A behavioral problem?

The only thing I DO know about it, is that regardless of why it started, its with me now. Say what you will about the condition, it isn't going to hurt my feelings half as much as ignoring what I'm feeling will cause me pain.

Starting in March, I am going to put myself through doctors, and tests, and vitamin regiments to ever increase my "good days". To get rid of the symptoms that keep me homebound on bad days and I'm taking YOU with me.


  1. i understand what you me I have been doing research on fibromyalgia off and on for about eight years and some of the treatments I have hear makes some sense, but they don't seem to cover all the aspects and the out comes are not necessarily great. Most the people that I have talked to are on at less 3-5 different medications. That more than likely interact, that can cause more underlining problems. Would love to follow along with you. and help if I can.
    Carl Bonofiglio, D.C.

  2. Welcome to the fight Carl. Right now I just need as much feedback on the poll as possible. You can help by getting Fibro sufferers to the page so that we can discover when the symptoms pop up for Fibro sufferers.

  3. Fibro Gin, Welcome to the quest! I am Karla Hunter and writer of the blog FibroMaine ( http://fibromaine.blogspot.com )! You sound like you are clear-minded and focused about finding the answers and I would b3e honored to be able to fight right along side you! I have had fibromyalgia since I was young, and as you confess, it is something we will go to our graves with, but that should not stop us, should not cause us to give up because awareness may lead to relief, or better yet, a cure!

  4. Welcome K Hunter!

    Looking forward to collaborating with you and all others who are out to better their life instead of lie down and list off our symptoms.

  5. I am with you all the way. I have read your blog and wish you all the best. I have FM and have had it since I was 10 when I had my spleen removed and then in 1994 after glandular fever, I went on the down hill spiral and it has never stopped. Can't work, can't drive....as you say your life as you knew it and all your hopes and aspirations go down the gurgler. I only this week commenced Ribose and have noticed that i am less anxious and seem to be sleeping quite a bit better. In the past when I have taken magnesium ater 2 days or so my pain increases.I had not heard of Acai berry til now so will research it and see what I come up with.
    Thanks for your blog, Anne in Australia

  6. Hi Anne! Good of you to come visiting. Hope to see you more often and good luck with the Acai!